Empty Nest Online

MOM'S THE WORD

Laverne: Doctor, have you figured out how you're gonna get Carol to my house for the baby shower?
Harry: Yeah I told her we were gonna pick you up for a movie.
Laverne: No good.
Harry: Why not?
Laverne: 'Cause she'll ask what movie.
Harry: She already did. I told her she could pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin' she don't pick one playin' in my neighborhood.
Harry: Then you can pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin' I don't pick one playin' in my neighborhood.
Harry: Why would you do that?
Laverne: 'Cause I have a better plan. Now you two will be drivin' through my neighborhood on the way to the mall to pick up your tuxedo for the hospital fundraiser.
Harry: What hospital fundraiser?
Laverne: Oh for Pete's sake there ain't no fundraiser, we're spinnin' a yarn!
Harry: I see...uh, go on.
Laverne: So then, you'll get a couple blocks from my house and you'll pretend your car breaks down. But luckily you're near my house so you can come on in and use my phone to call for help.
Harry: I have a car phone.
Laverne: Say it's broken.
Harry: Say we're near a pay phone.
Laverne: Say it's out of order.
Harry: Say a cop drives by.
Laverne: Say he's off-duty.
Harry: Say I fire your ass.

Maxine, who has a fear of public speaking, backs out of giving a fund-raising speech.
Harry: You promised to do this.
Maxine: Oh Harry, I thought I could but I can't. I mean, I'm great one-on-one but get me in front of a group of people and I freeze.
Harry: Come on sweetheart, we all get a little nervous.
Maxine: A little? First my mouth dries up. Then my neck starts to sweat and it runs down between my shoulder blades and I end up with a rusty bra hook!
Laverne: I used to go out with a boy named Rusty Brahook!

Laverne: I'm doin' this 'cause I care about you, Doctor. This is what ya call tough love.
Maxine [making a fist]: And this is what you call a knuckle sandwich!

Laverne: I had stage fright once, couldn't get a word out. Remember that, Doctor?
Harry: March 4, 1991. It was the happiest day of my life!

Carol [feeding Dreyfuss]: Gee, it's been a long time since I had a guy eating out of my hand. Although I have dated a few who drank out of the toilet.

Maxine: I know the clinic needs the money but I just can't do it!
Laverne: Dr. Douglas, you have to do it or you'd never be able to look yourself in the eye.
Maxine: Oh how often do you really have to look yourself in the eye?!!

Laverne: Hey, how'd your speech go?
Maxine: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Carol: What happened?
Maxine: Well I got offtrack thinking about Harry. I started talking about him being lost at sea and I got all choked up. Then they started feeling sorry for me.
Laverne: Yeah, and...
Maxine: That's when I really poured it on! I haven't blubbered that much since I heard Steven Spielberg was gonna direct The Color Purple!

Laverne: Don't blame me.
Maxine: Oh that's the last time I let you drive.
Laverne: My drivin' had nothin' to do with it. You spilled that soda while I was a-skillfully navigatin' a road hazard.
Maxine: We were airborne!!!
Laverne: Well it couldn't be avoided!
Maxine: Laverne the sign said DIP. Did you think the city of Miami was suggesting we dance!!

Charley: Hey Westons I got great news and here's a little hint: Ding dong!! Ding dong!!
Carol: You made it with the Avon lady.

Charley: What do you mean no bachelor party?? Then why get married?
Harry: Look Charley...I can ask Carol to put together a quiet little engagement party, the kind of thing you can invite your parents to.
Charley: Sounds great. You know but Mom and Dad haven't been getting along lately. it's almost as if...they don't like each other anymore.
Harry: Charley they got divorced.
Charley: Yeah. That just made it worse. Hey, I wonder who got custody of me.
Harry: I DID!!!!!

Laverne: Doctor my birthday is the 15th too!
Maxine: How 'bout that.
Laverne: This explains why you and me are so much alike. Why we're practically twins.
Maxine: Yeah...patients often tell me, "You know, you bear an uncanny resemblance to that skinny white nurse!"

Harry: Morning sweetheart.
Carol: Is it morning? I know it's not night because if it were night Scotty would be awake.
Harry: Oh the baby had a rough night huh?
Carol: No, the baby had a perfectly lovely night: three meals, five mile walk around the living room, brief nap at 4 am. It's good to be the baby.

Sophia: Here, I'm returning Harry's chainsaw. It's outta gas and a couple teeth are missing...just like me.
Carol: Sophia, what are you doing with a chainsaw?
Sophia: It was lumberjack night at Shady Pines.
Carol: Lumberjack night?
Sophia: Yeah, but things got a little outta hand. Shady Pines isn't quite as shady as it used to be.

Carol: Daddy, would you hold Scotty?
Harry: Yes...come over here...yeah.
Carol: Good, now can you raise him? I'm the worst mother in the whole world!!!
Charley: Boy I bet my mom will be glad to lose that title.