Empty Nest Online

...OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

Carol: Oohh, this sounds good!
Barbara: What, they made bitching and whining an Olympic event?

Carol: There it is again, no support! Daddy, Barbara's not supporting me!
Harry: I know Dear, I believe I am.

Harry: Carol when we talked this morning you saw absolutely nothing wrong in it.
Carol: I know but when I watch you worry I get envious and I wanna worry with you.

Carol: I'll be in the garage with Patrick. We're having a party of two to celebrate his first month here.
Harry: Lemme know when you have a going-away party!

Carol: I hate you so much!
Barbara: What?!
Carol: I promised my fellow demonstrators arrests and publicity and what do you do? Nothing!
Barbara: Hey, I was just trying to help you out! You wanna get arrested? Come on, we'll do it right now!
Carol: Too damn late!
Barbara: I could handcuff you to the bed.
Carol: I've got Patrick for that!

Charley: Hey what's this I hear about you coming out against bubble wrap? It's a necessity of life. Personally I like to wrap women in it and pop my way to the center.
Carol: I thought all your dates came in a plain brown wrapper.

Barbara reads Carol her rights after arresting her at an anti-plastic protest...
Barbara: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney...you can borrow the money from Daddy.

Charley: Hey, Tex.
Laverne: I happen to be from Arkansas.
Charley: Yeah, like there's a difference.

Patrick: Carol, it's 1am. I thought you were gonna, you know...come out to the garage.
Carol: I'm sorry Patrick, I've lost all interest in sex. My libido is a shriveled, dried-up shell of its former self.
Patrick: Let's give it a try anyway!

Patrick: You gotta do something to pull yourself outta this.
Carol: Patrick, do you know what it's like to send a man to jail? To stand up and say "We the jury find the defendant guilty! Guilty! Guilty!"?
Patrick: Well maybe you shouldn't have said it that many times.

Patrick: Carol, the guy was guilty. He deserved to be sent to the slammer.
Carol: Slammer? Patrick please, my mind is already filled with horrific images of where I sent this man. Do you have to use such graphic language...slammer?!
Patrick: Sorry! Let's call it...The Sugarplum Palace!

Laverne tries to explain to Harry that she had a sex dream about Charley.
Laverne: It's someone you know very well.
Harry: Oh my God, it's me isn't it!
Laverne: I said it was a sex dream! And thanks for conjuring up such a lovely visual image right after breakfast.

Carol: Just out of curiosity, though, what did you do to get here?
Jake: I ate too much.
Carol: Well that harldy sounds like a crime. What did you eat?
Jake: A family of six in Wisconsin.

Harry: Inspector Lopez needs a fire safety coordinator for our floor.
Laverne: Really? You want me to be fire safety coordinator?
Harry: Yeah, well I thought...
Laverne: What will my powers be?
Lopez: Your powers?!
Laverne: Yes, my powers.
Lopez: Your duties will be to keep people aware of fire procedures, conduct fire drills, and you'll be in charge in the event of an actual fire.
Laverne: I'll be in charge!
Lopez: If you got the stomach for it.
Laverne: Try me.
Lopez: You ever witnessed someone burned beyond recognition? The stench of charred flesh fills your nostrils!
Laverne: D'you ever see a man's toes chopped off by a McCormick reaper and th'owed in a pile o' corn?!
Lopez: Ever seen a man leap from a towering inferno and go splat on the pavement ?!
Laverne: Okay, d'you ever see a cow turned inside out?!
Harry: Please...it's a draw! I think...Laverne's your person.
Lopez: Ever see a man's head after it's been split open to the brain by a bolt of lightening?!
Laverne: Okay, d'you ever see a pig rip th'ough a man's guts to get to a couple turnips?!
Lopez: Are you married?!!

Harry: Hi Charley. Oh, how'd your date go?
Charley: Oh, she stood me up.
Harry: Aww, too bad.
Charley: Standing up, laying down...doesn't really matter.

Patrick: Carol, she is an art critic. I'm an artist. It was work! If I were Tommy Lasorda would you be mad at me for talking to Oral Hershiser?
Carol: You know, it's just like you to use an analogy that I don't understand!

Harry: It's difficult but I learned a long time ago, you can't put your expectations on your children.
Carol [running down stairs]: Daddy, since you think I'm so fat...I've decided to never eat again!

Carol: Daddy, I've just come from my support group Adult Children of Perfectly Fine Parents, and the most exciting thing...
Harry: Wait, there's a support group for people who have perfectly fine parents?
Carol: Well yes. We bear a terrible burden. Imagine being this screwed-up with no one but yourself to blame.

Carol tries to persuade Harry to appear with her and Patrick on Geraldo.
Carol: Our show would be about adult children who live with their lovers under their parents' roof.
Harry: You want me to admit that on national television?!

Carol: I've discussed it with my therapist and Sandy and I feel that it might be very helpful for us to air our father-daughter conflicts on national television.
Harry: What father-daughter conflicts?!
Carol: Well for instance, the fact that you won't appear with me on Geraldo!
Charley: She's got you there, Harry!

Harry: I'm not gonna get involved in some hyped-up tabloid smear job.
Carol: Daddy, we're talking about Geraldo, the dashing young maverick journalist who bravely exposed the horendous conditions at the world's largest mental institution!
Charley: So he's the one who set you free!

Harry: How's school?
Larry: A living hell! Doctor, do you know how awful it is to be the shortest kid in the second grade?
Harry: But you're a fifth grader.
Larry: My point exactly!

Laverne: Knock, knock.
Geraldo: Who's there?
Laverne: Nobody...I'm Al Capone's vault!!

Emily: Do you know what it's like to spend four years at an all-girls school? I mean if I see one more k.d. lang concert I'm gonna barf.

Emily: Hi, I'm Emily.
Patrick: Patrick. I live in the garage.
Emily: Oh you poor thing!
Carol: Patrick's my boyfriend Emily.
Emily: You poor thing. He's cute.
Carol: No he's not. He's old and broke.
Patrick: Thank you.
Carol: Say I just thought of something. What if just us kids went out tonight to a fun, exciting new place I know, hmmm?
Emily: Oh no, the last time you said that I was dragged to a coffee house to hear this bald lady recite a poem called Inverted Nipple.

Harry: It is four o'clock in the morning!! You're just getting home now?? Where is Emily?
Carol: We're not sure.
Patrick: We lost her at the gay bar.
Harry: Gay bar?
Carol: Emily heard about some party there. We didn't know it was a gay bar until Patrick realized the hand in his rear pocket wasn't mine.
Patrick: It was so gentle!

Carol: Now excuse me while I go upstairs and spend the rest of my life adopting hundreds of stray cats and watching my breasts drop!!...
Emily: Okay see ya later!
Harry: Just wait a minute young lady! I think you need to talk to your sister.
Emily: But Dad she's scary!