Empty Nest Online

THE BOY NEXT DOOR

Carol: Stanley is the third man in a row to dump me...and I mean DUMP. There's a stiff fine now for leaving me by the roadside.

Laverne: Mrs. Bedlow called with an emergency. Little Jenny had a terrible fall.
Harry: Well come on, we oughtta get her in here.
Laverne: Not necessary, she put peroxide and a bandaid on her knee...everything's allright.
Harry: Well that's good.
Laverne: Not really. She called back again, she thinks Jenny may have drunk some of that peroxide.
Harry: Well that's very serious! Come on, rush her in here!
Laverne: Well no need to....turns out it was lemonade...everything'll be fine.
Harry: Laverne why are you telling me all this?
Laverne: I want you to know the kind of emotional roller coaster I ride ever'day!

Charley: You know Laverne, we never really had the chance to chat, to get to know each other.
Laverne: Um-hmm.
Charley: So...hail from Dixie, ay?
Laverne: Uh-huh.
Charley: I hear that old times there are not forgotten.
Laverne: And I'm gonna look away now.

Carol: Good evening Charley. Good luck on your operation tomorrow. Hope you don't die.
Harry: Carol!
Carol: What? You told me to say something nice! As it was I lied.

Harry: Laverne, have you cleared the schedule for Charley's operation?
Laverne: What are ya sayin'? That I'm standin' here readin' the paper, shirkin' my duties? Not fulfillin' my job description? Well I quit!
Harry: Laverne, I wasn't suggesting...
Laverne: Okay, stop your grovelin,' I'll stay.......
Harry: Laverne, will you watch things here please?
Laverne: What's the implication? That I wouldn't normally? That while the cat's away the mouse will play? Well I quit! Alright, I'll stay.

Charley brings the gang gifts upon returning from his hospital stay.
Harry: Oooh, a plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: You're gonna wanna wash that. Barbara...
Barbara: Awww, another plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: That one you're gonna wanna boil. Carol...
Carol: Oh Charley, what unusual earrings. Thank you.
Charley: They're my tonsils! I had 'em bronzed!
Carol: Oh my God, Daddy!!
Harry: Charley, get out!!

Carol: You know, we really should have another portrait made. Something that shows how close we are as a family, how much we all love each other.
Harry: Well Honey, what about your sister Emily? She can't get away from school.
Carol: To Hell with Emily! Not here, not in it!

Laverne: Doctor, pick a number between 1 and 50.
Harry: Okay, 50.
Laverne [into phone]: Doctor says take 50 teaspoons 50 times a day.
Harry:Laverne!
Laverne: I'm just kiddin.' It's Lurlene a-shoppin' for lottery numbers!

Harry: Girls, I need a little help. I got a tough one on my hands.
Carol: Daddy, now's not a good time. I'm very preoccupied with all the arrangements for our family portrait.
Harry: It's about plastic surgery.
Carol: Oh really!
Harry: Yes, one of my patients. She's fifteen years old, bright, very attractive, and for some reason has her mind set on getting a nose job. She wants me to recommend a plastic surgeon.
Carol: Oh Daddy, do you know a good one? Because I would love to get my butt done.
Harry: Carol, what are you talking about?
Carol: I'm talking about picking the damn thing up off the floor!
Harry: Carol, you have a lovely....don't make me say this! Barbara, tell her please. Barbara!
Barbara: Daddy, what do you think I'd look like with Carly Simon's lips?
Harry: You'd like fine Dear. She'd look a little weird.

Barbara: Charley, what do you think of plastic surgery?
Charley: Well if you're talking about women, I will always vote yes on proposition big ones.
Carol: Charley, will you never grow up!? Come on Barbara, I'll pull your lips out, you hold my butt up, and we'll go see how we look!

Carol: Nice outfit Charley. Where'd you get it, the Big and Tall Moron's Shop?

Laverne: I lost my purse. I'm making a list of the contents.
Harry: Oh I'm sorry Dear! When was the last time you saw it?
Laverne: I guess when that guy was a-runnin' away with it!
Harry: Whoa Laverne wait, somebody mugged you? Are you okay? What did the police say?
Laverne: Well it wouldn't make no sense to call them till I've compiled this list of the contents of my purse. I already had a list but foolishly I kept it in my purse.

Officer Hitner: Okay Mrs. Todd, if you could just describe what happened to you last night.
Laverne: A man took my purse.
Officer Hitner: And...
Laverne: Ran.
Officer Hitner Yes...
Laverne: Away.
Officer Hitner: Anything else?
Laverne: From me. I can keep this up as long as you can

Barbara: Carol said we could use her scale to weigh Dreyfuss. Ok first you get on alone. What does it say?
Charley: I can't tell. After 115 Carol's written a bunch of big black letters that say FAT FAT PIG PIG FAT FAT FAT.

Laverne: Now face it, when it comes to your daughters you're too protective and you're always wrong.
Harry: You know Laverne, if I were in your position I would agree with my employer a little more often.
Laverne: Wrong again. And that's exactly the kind of thinkin' that has held you back from bein' in my position.   

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