"Life Goes On" ~ A Look at the Final Episode
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"Best in Finale"
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"One Last Visit Before Leaving the Nest
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The Clinic: Maxine is standing in the lounge as a building inspector enters from the storage room.
Maxine: So what’s the verdict
Building Inspector: I’ve never seen a building this age so well insulated
Maxine: Great
Building Inspector: It’s a shame it’s all gotta come out.
Maxine: What? Why?
Building Inspector: Asbestos. It can cause cancer, you know.
Maxine: Of course I know! I’m a doctor
Building Inspector: Oh and I suppose a doctor’s too good to go out with a building inspector.
Maxine: I never said that!
Building Inspector: Great, pick me up at eight.
He hands her his business card and walks out.
Maxine: Right.
She tosses the card behind her and walks into the waiting area where Laverne is on the telephone with her mother.
Laverne: No Mama! Mama! Mama, I keep tellin’ you I don’t want a big fancy wedding. I had one of them when I married Nick. Even if you was against it, it still counts. All right now Mama, I’ll see you in a few days. Please Mama, remember, no big fuss.
Laverne hangs up the phone as Maxine enters from the lounge.
Maxine: Laverne, we’re closing down for two weeks.
Laverne: It is just my wedding, it is not a national holiday.
Maxine: No you don’t understand. The inspector said this place is loaded with asbestos.
Laverne: Good!
Maxine: Good?
Laverne: That way I can go home early and ride herd on Mama. That woman’s gone wedding crazy!
Maxine: Oh she’s just excited.
Laverne: She’s planning a laser show!
Maxine places her hand on Laverne’s head, as if granting a blessing.
Maxine: Go my child, ride herd with my blessing.
Laverne: Doctor, why don’t you come with me?
Maxine: I am coming. I’ll be there for the wedding.
Laverne: No I mean tomorrow. I could use the moral support and now you’ve got a some extra time.
Maxine: No offense Laverne, but I was thinking of spending it some place a little more exotic than Hickory. Like Pittsburgh.
Laverne: Please! Please!
Maxine: Laverne I’m not good with fresh air. Or the people who breathe it.
Laverne: Okay, if you don’t come home with me tomorrow, I’m gonna call your mama and tell her that you have the next two weeks off.
Maxine: You’re bluffing.
They stand staring at each other briefly with squinted eyes. Laverne makes a move toward the phone and Maxine attempts to beat her to it.
The Clinic: Harry and Maxine are in the lounge looking through a box of files.
Harry: Are you sure it’s safe in here with all this asbestos?
Maxine: Well the inspector says there’s no danger unless it starts disintegrating. But I will feel better when it’s gone.
Laverne enters wearing a medical face mask.
Laverne: So will I! Are these the files for the 39th Street Clinic?
Maxine: They’re all yours.
Laverne: I’ll drop ‘em off on my way to the bank.
Harry: Laverne, I’d take the mask off before going into the bank.
Laverne: Roger!
She picks up the box and walks out. Harry and Maxine sit down at the table drinking coffee.
Maxine: So Harry, how was your trip to Vermont?
Harry: Oh Maxine, I can’t tell you how beautiful it is up there.
Maxine: You know I was in Vermont once. Or was it New Hampshire? No wait, it was a Christmas tree lot in the Bronx.
Harry: My friend Bob lives about five miles from the medical school, right in the middle of the woods. It’s incredible.
Maxine: If you like trees.
Harry: Who doesn’t like trees? Nobody doesn’t like trees.
Maxine: No Harry, nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.
Harry: You know Bob goes fishing everyday. And he taps his own maple trees for syrup. Do you have any idea what it’s like to tap a tree?
Maxine: I imagine it’s like that thrill you get when you insert a catheter.
Harry: You wanna hear something funny? He offered me a job teaching pediatrics a couple days a week.
Maxine: Are you gonna take it?
Harry: Don’t be silly Maxine, I couldn’t possibly take it.
Maxine: Why not? It sounds like the perfect job for you. Work two days a week. Spend the rest of the time catching fish and pouring maple syrup over them.
Harry: Maxine, how could I move to Vermont? I’ve got ties to Miami. I’ve got the house and I’ve got Carol and Scotty. And I’ve got my responsibilities here at the clinic.
Maxine: Well Harry we’d miss you but we’d manage. I mean, if you want this you should go for it.
Harry: Well there’s still the house and Carol.
Maxine: Oh come on! You put an ad in the newspaper: “For sale: Well-built rambling modern. Perfect for a young professional. Needs a little fixing.”
Harry: What about Carol?
Maxine: I’m talking about Carol.
Weston living room. Harry and Charley are sitting on the couch watching television.
Charley: I’m sorry Harry it’s confusing. Could you tell me one more time?
Harry: Charley, I’ve told you three times already.
Charley: But I’m new at this. Please, just once more.
Harry: Alright but this is the last time. That one’s McNeil. That one’s Lehrer.
Sophia enters through the front door as if poised to make an important announcement.
Sophia: Harry, we can’t go to Laverne’s wedding. None of us.Harry: Why not?
Sophia: I had a dream. We were all flying to Hickory and the plane crashed. There were only two survivors.
Charley: Who?
Sophia: A salesman from Toronto and Madonna.
Harry: Sophia just because you had a dream doesn’t mean that it's going to happen.
Charley: You’re wrong Harry. I saw Madonna interviewed on TV this morning.
Harry: So?
Charley: Obviously she did survive!
Sophia: That’s it, I’m not going!
Charley: Neither am I.
Harry: Okay, if flying bothers you then why don’t you take a train?
Sophia: In the dream the plane crashed into a train!
Charley: Spooky! Hey I’ve got an idea. Sophia, why don’t we drive?
Sophia: I’m in!
Charley: Harry, buddy, can I borrow your car?
Harry: Charley, pal, come on. Do you even have to ask? Of course not!
Sophia: I’m going home to pack. I’ll see you in Hickory, Harry. Oh wait, I forgot you’re flying. Well it was nice knowing you.
As the scene changes, we see an aerial view of Hickory and hear a radio DJ broadcasting over accompanying banjo music.
DJ: It’s 68 degrees and sunny in Hickory. This is KBBH: down home radio for northcentral Arkansas. Now stay tuned for the Howard Stern Show.
Cut to the living room of Laverne’s parents Grit and Scarlett Higby. Grit is reading the newspaper when the doorbell rings.
Scarlett: Oh my lord, they’re here!
Grit: I’ll get it.
He slowly gets up and makes his way toward the door as Scarlett runs back and forth bringing various plates of food to the coffee table. Just as he is set to open the door, she gets in front of him and opens it herself. Upon seeing each other, she and Laverne scream in delight and hug while Maxine stands at the door holding the bags and smiling uncomfortably.
Maxine: Hi. Is this the Higby residence?Scarlett: Oh come in Dr. Douglas. We have heard so much about you. So, how do you like Hickory so far?
Maxine: I’m impressed. I was really surprised by your airport.
Scarlett: What about it?
Maxine: You got one!
Scarlett: Would y’all care for some refreshments?
Maxine: Well I hope you didn’t go to any trouble.
Scarlett: Oh it’s nothing. Nothing at all. Just a little iced tea and a few cookies...and some hushpuppies, and uh catfish, fried chicken and uh dumplings of course. And uh...well I’m afraid that’s all. I’ll go make more!
She runs out of the room as Maxine and Laverne sit down.
Laverne: Have a seat Maxine. Well Daddy, how’s business?
Grit: Uh huh.
Laverne: Yeah. Things pickin up?
Grit: Uh huh.
Laverne: Well good. Daddy’s an auctioneer!
Maxine: Oh really? What do you auction?
Grit: Livestock, tobacco, renaissance art.
Maxine: Renaissance art?
Grit: It don’t come up that often but if you find a Botticelli in your barn, I’m your man!
Laverne: Come on Daddy, do it one time for us. It’s a hoot.
Grit: Oh, she’s not interested.
Maxine: No really, I’d love to hear it.
Laverne: Come on Daddy auction off something, say them hushpuppies there!
He picks up a plate of hushpuppies and holds them in front of him.
Grit: Okay. What are my bid for these hushpuppies?
Laverne: Five dollars!
Grit: Okay, five dollars. Anybody wanna bid ten? [pauses] Well you get the idea.
Laverne: Ain’t he great? Daddy’s gonna perform the ceremony. He’s a judge, too.
Grit: I’m the only one in town knows how to work the gavel.
Scarlett enters carrying two more plates of food and puts them on the table.
Laverne: Oh Daddy, wait till you see what I’m wearing to the wedding.
Scarlett: He’s already seen what you’re wearing, Dear. You’re wearing my old wedding gown.
Laverne: Mama, I plan on wearing a really nice gray suit.
Scarlett: And I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it. Perhaps on the trip to the honeymoon.
Laverne: I plan on wearing it at my wedding.
Scarlett: Well fine. And then you can wear it again at my funeral because I’ll just die if you shame me in front of 200 people!
Laverne is shocked, and speaks as if gasping for air.
Laverne: Two...hundred...people?
She turns to Maxine, with her back to her mother.
Laverne: If she keeps the up it ain’t the shame that’s gonna kill her.
Maxine: Uh, Mrs. Higby, if I could put my two cents in.
Grit: I have two cents! Do I hear three?
Scarlett: Vernie, honey, I don’t want to tell you what to do. It’s just that I know that when Matt sees you all dressed in white, coming down that long spiral staircase...
Laverne: Mama, we don’t have a spiral staircase.
Grit: She rented one!
Scarlett: It’s all set up in the backyard.
Maxine gets up and looks out the window.
Maxine: Wow! We’re talking Gone With the Wind City!
Scarlett: That’s where we got it!
The Weston kitchen. Harry is standing at the counter, on the phone.
Harry: No Julius, I don’t want it listed. I’m just curious about how much I would get for my house if I sold it. How much?
Upon hearing the answer, he lowers the phone and covers it with his hand, screams, and puts it back to his ear.
Harry: Are you sure that’s the best we can do?
Carol enters through the back door full of excitement, yelling for Harry. He hangs up the phone and goes over to her.
Carol: Daddy! Daddy! Oh my God, Daddy! Daddy, I have news. I have big news. The biggest news ever! I have dreamed of this moment for so long! I knew how I would tell you! It has to be absolutely perfect. Come here, sit here!
She grabs him by the arm and leads him hurriedly to a chair, then pulls him again before he finally stops her.
Carol: No, stand up! Maybe you should put on a tie!
Harry: Carol please slow down! You’re acting like you’re getting married or something.
Carol: Well thanks a lot you ruined my moment!
Harry: You’re getting married? That’s terrific! Go back outside, we’ll do it again. I’ll sit down, I’ll put on a tie...
Carol: No Daddy! Look!!
She shows him her ring and the two hug happily.
Harry: Oh God, great! It’s unbelievable! Oh sweetheart, I can’t tell you how happy I am....for you, too!
Carol goes over to the desk and grabs a pencil and notepad.
Carol: I have a million things to do. I have to call Barbara and Emily and Aunt Susan. Look at me, I’m making an “I’m Getting Married” list. I wonder if I saved my old one. Don’t worry Daddy. Even though I’m getting married, I’ll still come visit you every single day.
Harry: Well, maybe not.
Carol: What do you mean?
Harry: I have a little news of my own. Come here, sit down.
They sit down together at the kitchen table.
Harry: I’ve been offered a job teaching.
Carol: Oh Daddy, that’s wonderful!
Harry: In Vermont.
Carol: Vermont? Would you have to live there? Of course you would. No, that’s great...and sudden.
Harry: Yeah well I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while here and I wasn’t gonna take it but now that you’re getting married, I guess I’m going to Vermont!
Charley and Sophia are in the car, on their way to Hickory.
Sophia: Charley, how long till the next town?
Charley: Ten minutes.
Sophia: You’ve been saying that for the past hour.
Charley: Well one of these times, I’m gonna be right.
Sophia: Tell me the truth, are we lost?
Charley: I’m not sure. I could tell better if I had some idea of where we are.
Sophia: You never should’ve taken that turnoff.
Charley: You told me to.
Sophia: Why’d you wanna listen to me for? I’ve got such a lousy sense of direction, sometimes I think I’m getting younger.
Charley: You were reading the map.
Sophia: I thought I was but it turned out I was just looking at the veins in my hand.
At the Higby house, Maxine sits in a chair reading a newspaper while Laverne stands on a stool wearing a wedding gown which Scarlett is hemming.
Scarlett: Look at her Maxine. Looks like she just stepped off a wedding cake.
Maxine: Yeah if I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was frosting on her shoes.
Laverne: Okay I tried it on like I said I would now let’s get me out of it.
Scarlett: Oh hush girl, it isn’t an official try on till we make it fit right.
Maxine: Laverne, here’s your wedding announcement in the Hickory Gazette.
Laverne: Mama I told you not to do that!
Scarlett: Laverne it’s customary, now hold still.
Maxine: It’s four pages.
Laverne: Mama!
Maxine: Page one, the childhood years. Man it’s true what they say, everybody’s ugly when they’re thirteen.
Laverne, obviously frustrated, steps down off the stool.
Laverne: Mama we have to have a little talk concerning my wedding. And I reiterate that phrasing “my wedding” as in I would like to choose what I wear.
Scarlett: Why don’t we ask Maxine for an unbiased opinion?
Laverne: Do you promise to abide by what she says?Scarlett: Of course I will. Now Maxine, which do you think is more appropriate? This lovely handmade wedding gown that’s been worn by every Higby bride for six generations, or this cheap gray suit off the wrack of some cut-rate store in a sleazy, God forsaken Miami neighborhood?
Laverne: Mother, I do not buy my clothes in cut-rate stores in sleazy, God forsaken neighborhoods.
Scarlett picks up the dress and examines it.
Scarlett: You don’t? I stand corrected. But it certainly was an honest mistake.
Laverne: Okay Doctor, what is your opinion?
Maxine: Well personally I like the wedding gown. But Laverne is a grown woman and it seems to me she has absolute right to choose for herself.
Scarlett: Well I guess that settles it then. Come on, let’s get you out of this thing. We’ve got to get it all hemmed and pressed before the big event.
Laverne: Mama, you agreed to abide by Dr. Douglas’s opinion!
Scarlett: Well that’s right and her opinion is she likes the wedding gown better. Oh, wait right here. I’m gonna go run and get the veil. You know I just thought of something, you’ll be the oldest Higby bride ever to wear this dress.
Scarlett exits up the stairs.
Laverne: Do you see what she does? Do you see what I am up against?
Maxine: Yeah, she really pushes you around. I like her!
Weston living room: Carol enters through the front door carrying a shopping bag. Dreyfuss is sitting alone in a chair.
Carol:
Daddy, I’m home! Wait until you see the outfit I got for our trip to Hickory! I
found it in this wonderful cut rate shop in a sleazy God forsaken neighborhood!
Daddy? Oh...the silence of things to come. She goes over to Dreyfuss and kneels down in front of him.
Carol: Oh Dreyfie, you and Daddy aren’t really going to move to Vermont are you?
He raises up revealing a canine traveling case around his neck and exits through the kitchen. Carol, looking depressed, perks up as the doorbell rings.
Carol: Oh, Daddy? Is that you? Maybe he forgot his key.
She opens the door and finds that it is her fiancé Kevin.
Carol: Oh, Kevin, hi!
Kevin: Hi, Honey.
He hugs her tightly, lifting her off the ground, and kisses her.
Kevin: I was on my way to the airport and I realized I wasn’t going to see you before you left for Laverne’s wedding.
Carol: I know. I’m gonna miss you.
Kevin: I’m gonna miss you, too, Mrs. Millen.
Carol: Mrs. Millen? Mrs. Millen? Why are you assuming I’m going to change my name? Weston’s a good name! It’s my Daddy’s name!
Kevin: Okay, don’t change it. I was just excited about getting married.
Carol: Oh I’m sorry sweetheart, I am too. I think I’m just a little tired.
Kevin: It’s okay. I see they’ve already got the For Sale sign up outside. This is a great house. I bet it’s gonna sell in no time.
Carol: Honey, I just had a weird idea.
Kevin: Okay...but I don’t have much time!
Carol: No! What if we bought this house? Then you could move in with me in my
room and we could keep Daddy’s room exactly the way it is for when he wants to
visit.Kevin: Honey we talked about getting our own place.
Carol: You’re right, we should. How about Vermont?
Kevin: Vermont? Carol, why? Our life is here.
Carol: Our life? What about my life?
Kevin: I don’t think you’re going into this with the right attitude.
Carol: Look, I’ve got a lot going on right now. And I need some time to think. Maybe we should put off getting married for a little while.
Kevin: Put it off? For how long?
Carol: I don’t know Kevin. I don’t know.
The Higby living room. A terrible rainstorm is occurring outside. Maxine is sitting on the couch as the doorbell rings. Scarlett rushes into the room to answer the door, Grit follows.
Scarlett: Oh, come in, come in!
She opens the door. Carol enters holding Scotty. Harry follows carrying luggage.
Carol: Hi.
Scarlett: Let me take your umbrella. Grit, go fetch Laverne. Tell her Dr. Weston’s here.
Grit: Nice talkin’ to y’all.
Harry: What’d he say?
Carol: It’s nothing, Daddy! His ears are still plugged up from the flight.
Harry: Mine too!
Scarlett: Look at the little angel.
Carol: Yeah, it’s been a long day. Could I put him down somewhere?
Scarlett: Right in there.
Carol: Okay, thanks.
Carol exits as Scarlett shows Harry to the sofa, where he sits down next to Maxine.
Scarlett: Doctor, make yourself at home.
Maxine: So, how was your flight Harry?
Harry: Exactly!
Maxine: I beg your pardon?
Harry: The flight was hairy, isn’t that what you said?
Carol reenters and sits down in a chair.
Carol: Where’s Charley and Sophia?
Maxine: They’re not here yet.
Carol: You’re kidding! They should’ve been here days ago. Daddy, Sophia and Charley aren’t here yet!
Harry: Oh good, I’ll go say hello!
Scarlett: My, I hope they’re alright. Radio says roads are washed out all over the state.
The scene cuts to Charley and Sophia in a car, driving down the highway.
Sophia: Do you have any idea where you’re going?
Charley: Sure. That way.
Sophia: Maybe you should let me drive.
Charley: Are you kidding? You can’t even see over the dashboard. Don’t worry I know exactly where we are. We’re right here in Indiana.
He points to the map, as if to prove to her he knows what he’s doing. She grabs the map and examines it herself.
Sophia: Oh Yutz! You got the map upside-down. Okay Magellan, hang a U-ie. We passed Hickory three hours ago.
He turns the car around and they resume driving in the other direction.
Charley: Okay, now we’re going in the right direction.
Sophia: Good, maybe we can still see Laverne get married.
Charley notices a car passing them, going the opposite direction.
Charley: I doubt it. She just passed us going the other way.
Back in the Higby living room, Grit enters from upstairs holding a piece of paper.
Grit: Scarlett, we got a problem might effect Laverne’s wedding.
Scarlett: What’s the problem?
Grit: She won’t be there.
Scarlett: What?
Harry: What’d he say?
Grit: She’s gone! She left this note. Here, read it for yourself. It says the only way she can have the kind of wedding she really wants is to do it herself. She’s eloped!
Scarlett: My beautiful wedding!
Maxine: This is really awful.
Harry: Well nevermind that! This is really awful!
This scene picks up where the previous scene left off...
Maxine: Damn! I can’t believe Laverne eloped.
Harry: Thank God!
Maxine: What?
Harry: My ears! They popped. I can hear again. I can’t believe Laverne eloped.
Scarlett: How could she do such a thing?
Grit: Well that ain’t no big mystery. Laverne said she wanted a small wedding. But you had to have it your way. What Scarlett wants, Scarlett gets. Now ain’t that so?
Scarlett: Yes! It is!
Grit: Just checkin.’ Uhh...can I go now?
Scarlett: I’ll go with you. I’ve got two hundred wedding guests to uninvite. Oh by the way Doctor, in all the confusion I forgot to give you this message. You got an offer on your house.
She hands him a slip of paper as she and Grit exit. Maxine grabs it from Harry before he can read it.
Maxine: Oh, let me see, let me see! Wow!! Damn, Harry, you just got a lot better looking!
Harry: Give me that! Whoa, boy this is great. Looks like I’m selling the house.
Maxine: If I were you, I’d hit him up for a nice big wedding.
Harry: Honey, whatever you want. But we really should get home before this guy changes his mind.
Maxine: You’re not going anywhere. I saw the weather forecast on the local morning show. This storm’s gonna be around for a while...at least according to Regis and Catfish.
Maxine exits.
Carol: Regis and Catfish. They sound like such a happy couple.
Harry can tell she is upset and sits down on the coffee table in front of her.
Harry: Carol, what’s the matter?
Carol: Kevin and I broke up.
Harry: What?
Carol: Well after I accepted Kevin’s marriage proposal I began to consider the big picture.
Harry: Oh God no, not the big picture!
Carol: Daddy, I just want you to know that no matter how brokenhearted, bereft, or abandoned I may feel, I give you my full permission to leave me behind and move to Vermont.
Harry: Good, because that’s what I’m gonna do. Come on, you’re an intelligent, capable young lady. You’re ready to stand on your own two feet. You’re gonna do just fine.
Carol: You’re right! Thanks for that vote of confidence. I feel liberated! I feel empowered!
Harry: That’s my girl!
He stands up and exits the room.
Carol: I feel like you’re a very bad Daddy!
Higby living room. Harry and Grit are sitting down, throwing playing cards into a hat.
Harry: Stopped raining.
Grit: Dang it, Harry! We was playing Throw Cards in a Hat, not Talk and Throw Cards in a Hat!
He gets up and walks out of the room, passing Scarlett, who enters as he leaves carrying the top tier of Laverne’s wedding cake.
Grit: Jabber, jabber, jabber! That’s all the man does!
Scarlett: Well I just cancelled all the arrangements. We might as well start eatin’ up the wedding cake. Oh I can just imagine Laverne getting a piece of this...squished in her little face!
She starts to sob and Harry tries to comfort her.
Harry: Come on, try not to be sad. It’s turned out to be a beautiful day. The sun is shining...and that means I can go home!
Carol and Maxine enter from upstairs as Harry was about to leave.
Maxine: Hey Harry, you wanna come with us? I thought I’d cheer Carol up and show her some of the hot spots of Hickory.
Harry: No, I really need to see about a flight out of here.
Maxine: Oh come on Harry, you can’t leave Hickory before you go down to Elmo’s Bait & Tackle.
Harry: Why not?
Maxine: Because if you guess how many nightcrawlers he has in his jar, he lets you run over stuff with his monster truck! God, I love this town!
Carol: Oh look! Look at Laverne’ wedding cake. See the little bride and groom with their silly little painted on smiles. They stand there blithely hand-in-hand, about to step into that abyss we call marriage. Oh foolish, foolish figurines!
Maxine: Carol, honey, you need to go count some worms.
Harry exits. Maxine and Carol start to follow when the doorbell rings. Grit enters to answer it but Scarlett beats him to the punch yet again.
Grit: I’ll get it!
Scarlett: Oh lord, I forgot to cancel the band!
She opens the door and sees Kevin, thinking he is one of the band members.
Kevin: Uh, hi.
Scarlett: The wedding’s off! So you go play your Hokey Pokey someplace else.
She slams the door in his face, but Carol runs to open it.
Carol: Kevin? What are you doing here?
Kevin: I had to see you.
Carol: You flew here all the way from Miami just to see me?
Kevin: I stole a plane to see you.
Carol: You stole a plane for me? That’s so romantic!
Maxine: That’s also a felony.
Carol: Kevin, I was wrong. I want to get married.
Kevin: Really?
Carol: Yes! Call me fickle! Call me mercurial! Call me capricious!
Maxine: Call me a cab!
Kevin: Honey, this is great! Let’s go home and get married.
Grit: Y’all don’t have to go anywhere. I’ll marry ya right here!
Carol: Really? Kevin?
Kevin: Let’s do it!
Grit: Scarlett, fetch me my marrying book and my good suspenders!
Scarlett: Oh come on Maxine, we’re gonna have a wedding!
She grabs Maxine by the arm and tugs her out of the room.
Higby living room. Kevin enters buttoning the jacket on his suit. Maxine looks on as Harry coaches Scotty on his role in the wedding.
Harry: Now Scotty, you’re gonna be the ring bearer because that’s what you are for a big boy! Now pay attention to me. When Kevin waves, you’re gonna bring him the ring. Understand?
Scotty: I a boy!
Harry: I’ve heard that. But you are gonna bring Kevin the ring when he waves at you. Do you understand what Grandpa just said to you?
Scotty: Yeah.
Harry: Yeah?
Scotty: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!...
Harry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah....
Harry appears flustered as Scotty toddles out of the room. Grit and Scarlett now stand side by side with Kevin facing them, and Harry and Maxine standing behind him.
Grit: Alright now, let’s get this show on the road. Scarlett, hit it!
Scarlett: Hit what? If you remember, Grit Higby, I sent the organ back.
Grit: Well it ain’t a wedding without music!
Scarlett: Okay, okay!
Frustrated, she begins to whistle “Here Comes the Bride.” The others stare at her surprisingly.
Scarlett: Y’all wanna help me out here!?
Everyone joins in whistling as Carol enters from upstairs carrying her bouquet of flowers. As she nears the wedding party, Maxine breaks into the theme song to The Andy Griffith Show. Everyone stops and stares. Maxine quiets down and Carol finishes her march.
Grit: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join these two in holy matrimony. So, who gives this woman away?
Harry: Me, yo, right here! I got it! I got it!
Grit: Then here we go...
Carol: But first...my beloved family and friends, if you’ll indulge me, I would
like to share some deeply personal thoughts. Carol turns toward Harry and alternately toward Kevin as she begins her speech...
Carol: Am I the little girl you carried? Is he the little boy at play? Do you remember growing older? When did they?
She grabs Harry and Kevin’s hands and lifts them up...
Carol: Sunrise! Sunset!
Laverne and Matt enter through the front door, interrupting Carol. Laverne: Hey!
Scarlett: Laverne!
Laverne: What’s going on?
Carol: I’m getting married!
Laverne: Oh, sorry! We’ll take a seat in the back.
Carol: Great! We’re all here. As I was saying...Sunrise!
Scarlett: Nice of you to show up at Carol’s wedding. It’s too bad I couldn’t show up at yours!
Laverne: Mama, Matt and I are still unhitched.
Carol: So am I! Sunrise!
Matt: So Laverne, you wanna tell your mama why we ain’t married yet?
Laverne: Well...you know...um...I didn’t wanna get married without my mama.
Scarlett: What? Honestly, Laverne, the way you mumble. And after all those elocution lessions!
Harry: Elocution lessons!?
Grit: Scarlett, your daughter just said she couldn’t get married without her mama.
Scarlett: Laverne?
Laverne: Oh Mama!
The two begin to cry and hug each other.
Grit: So are we gonna have a wedding or what?
Harry: Wait, wait! I got an idea. Why don’t y’all have a double wedding!? Did I just say ya’ll? I gotta get out of here!
Laverne: A double wedding? Why that’s a great idea! Carol?
Carol: Yeah great, anything, come on, let’s go....
Laverne: Mama, just one more thing. May I please wear your wedding dress?
Scarlett: Oh, Darlin!!
Laverne: Oh Mama, I love you!
Scarlett: I love you too, Baby!
As the ladies begin to cry and hug, Maxine is overcome with emotion and grabs a startled Harry, crying and hugging him.
Maxine: I love you Harry!! Sorry...I just got caught up in the moment.
The wedding party reorganizes, with Laverne, Matt, Carol, and Kevin all standing side by side in front of Grit.
Grit: Alright then. Laverne, Matt, Carol, and Kevin, do y’all take each other to
have and to hold, for better, for worse, for...oh well what the heck. Most of
you’ve been married before, you know the drill! So do ya?Laverne: I do.
Matt: I do.
Carol: I do.
Kevin: I do.
Grit: Okay then by the power vested in me by the state of Arkansas, and the greater Dardinell County Buick dealers, I pronounce you hitched! Gentlemen, kiss your brides.
As the couples embrace, Charley and Sophia burst through the front door.
Charley: See! I told you we’d make it!
Sophia: Let the wedding begin!
Everyone is gathered in the living room for the wedding reception...
Maxine: So what happened to you guys?Charley: Well the road washed out so we sat in a motel room and watched cable.
Sophia: That’s not all we did. We got schnockered off the mini-bar.
Charley: Yeah, and the manager taught me this really cool game: Throw Cards in a Hat.
Grit: Pardon et moi! Did you say Throw Cards in a Hat?
He grabs Charley by the arm and leads him away. Laverne is mingling with wedding guests and comes upon Maxine.
Maxine: So, Laverne. I’m not real good at this but....well hell I’m gonna miss you. Next to me, you’re the biggest pain in the ass I know.
Laverne: Oh Doctor, back at ya!
They hug and Laverne exits through the front door. Matt passes by and stops to talk to Maxine.
Matt: Thanks again for coming out for the wedding. It really means a lot to Laverne.
Maxine: Yeah, yeah, me too. So let me get this straight. You married her and she gonna be the nurse in your clinic?
Matt: Yeah. We’re gonna be together night and day.
Maxine: You are a very brave man!
The scene cuts to Laverne and Harry standing on the front porch of the house.
Laverne: You know Doctor, you are gonna do fine in Vermont. You just remember to bundle up, now you know how your arthritis acts up. Don’t try to be a hero out there shovelin’ that driveway, that trick back of yourn!
There is a pause as the two stare at one another.
Laverne:
Doctor, you reckon you’re gonna be alright without me?Harry: It won’t be easy. Oh Laverne...
He makes a motion to hug her and she stops him.
Laverne: Doctor, we have had a long, productive, professional relationship and there is just no reason for you to get weepy on me!
She begins to sob herself and the two hug. The scene then shifts back inside.
Carol: Okay everybody, it’s bouquet throwing time! Assemble all ye single women!
She watches for the ladies to gather, but the only two people who do are Maxine and Sophia.
Sophia: Looks like it’s just you and me, Shaquille.
Carol tosses the bouquet, which passes over Maxine and Sophia and lands in the hat into which Grit and Charley are throwing cards.
Grit: Dang it! It’s not Throw Flowers in a Hat! Can’t these people get anything right!?
Weston kitchen. Carol comes down the stairs carrying a box of stuffed animals.
Carol: No,
no, no! Because to you borrowing means keeping. After all the stuff you’ve
taken, I wonder why I never gave you a good trouncing!Barbara enters from upstairs carrying another box of toys.
Barbara: Because you knew I’d kick your butt!
Carol: Honestly Barbara, you’re home fifteen minutes and we’re already bickering.
Barbara: There’s no place like home!
Carol: I’ve missed you so much! I wish you could’ve been at my wedding.
Barbara: There’ll be another one!
Seeing that she has upset her by her remark, Barbara hugs Carol.
Barbara: Carol, I’m kidding! Kevin is a great guy and you seem so happy.
Carol: Oh Barbie-Barb!
While they hug, Barbara eyes a stuffed monkey in one of the boxes and suddenly pulls away from Carol, grabbing the toy.
Barbara: What are you doing with Mr. Fuggety!?
Carol: He’s going to my new abode with the rest of my furry confidants.
Barbara: I don’t think so! He was my present in third grade, remember? To take my mind of those ugly braces.
Carol: You never had braces! I did!
Barbara: I know! They scared the hell outta me...Tin Grin!
Carol: I’m rubber and you’re glue and Mr. Fuggety’s not going with you!
Barbara: Says you!
Carol grabs at one end of the monkey with Barbara pulling on the other. They struggle with each other until the toy rips in two just as Harry enters through the backdoor.
Carol: Barbara, give it to me!
Barbara: It’s mine!
Harry: Whoa! Look at this mess!
Barbara: Yeah Carol, clean up your monkey! Hi Daddy!
Harry: It’s so good to see you!
Carol
watches as Barbara and Harry hug happily. Jealous, she grabs hold of Harry’s arm
and puts it around herself so as to not be left out. Carol: Hi
Daddy.Barbara: This is just like old times.
Carol: Yeah, if only Emily were here.
Harry: Although I don’t think she’d be too happy about what you did to her monkey.
Barbara: Oh that’s right! In third grade you gave me...Ducky!
She reaches for a toy duck and Carol tries to stop her.
Carol: Daddy!
Harry: You wanna go to your rooms!?
Carol: Empty though they may be.
There is a quiet moment and Barbara then squeezes the duck, which makes a quacking sound.
Carol: Somehow I always thought it would be my room forever.
Harry: And you almost made that happen, Dear.
Carol: Daddy, were you planning on taking the pasta maker to Vermont?
Harry: Yeah, well I was thinking about...
Carol: Dibs!!
She abruptly grabs the pasta maker and smirks as she exits into the living room.
Barbara: What a nut!
Harry: It is so good to see you.
Barbara: You too.
Harry: So, everything in Tucson okay?
Barabara: Oh yeah. Job’s great. Weather’s perfect. I mean Daddy it’s not home, but nothing’s gonna be like this place.
Harry: Yeah I know. But you’ll come and visit me in Vermont, right?
Barbara: Yeah! I was gonna come up for Christmas. It’s not gonna be like our old Christmas’s. It’s gonna be kinda weird with all those pine trees and snow.
Carol enters from the living room, holding up her hands which are full of troll dolls.
Carol: Barbara, I just took inventory and I am one troll short!
Barbara: At least.
Weston living room. Harry is standing alone when Barbara enters from the kitchen.
Barbara: Daddy, Charley wants to see us in the kitchen. He’s a little choked up.
He follows Barbara into the kitchen, where Carol stands watching Charley hold a can of beer.
Charley: Okay, you ready?
Harry: For what?
Charley opens the can of beer, becoming teary eyed.
Charley: That’s the sound of the last beer you’ll ever hear me open in this kitchen.
Harry: That’s very touching.
Charley: I’m really gonna miss you guys. Last night in bed I counted up every time I opened up your refrigerator door. 17, 206.
Barbara: Oh, isn’t he sweet?
She puts her arm around him and he begins patting her on the back.
Charley: Thanks. You’re not wearing a bra are you?
Weston living room. Carol and Barbara enter from the dining room with boxes. They kneel down on the floor with them as Harry stands by.
Barbara: So sex with this guy Kevin must be pretty lousy, huh?
Carol: Barbara, what would make you say a thing like that?
Barbara: Because if I were a newlywed I wouldn’t be here packing boxes.
Carol: Well, if you must know, I had him up all night last night!
Harry: That’s enough!
Carol: That’s just what he said!
Harry: From now on we pack in silence.
He steps on a creaky floorboard and, hearing the familiar sound, begins to laugh.
Harry: I forgot about this.
Barbara: What, Daddy?
Harry: This creaky floorboard used to drive your mother nuts.
Carol: That’s funny, I never noticed it before.
Harry: Yeah, I promised Libby that one day I would fix it but you know, some things just never get done. Plus it was a great way to catch you guys when you snuck in late.
Barbara: So that’s how you knew.
Harry: Yeah, that and Carol yelling “Mommy, Daddy, Barbara’s home!”
Carol: We had so many happy times in this house.
Barbara: Yeah, we sure did.
Harry continues to step on the creaky floorboard. He turns to the girls, as if he’s getting upset, and sits down on the couch, with Carol and Barbara soon joining him.
Harry: I can’t do this.
Barbara: What?Harry: I can’t say goodbye to this place.
Carol: Daddy?
Harry: Kids, it’s just filled with us. Everywhere I look, I see you kids kinda playing on the floor. And your mother...I still hear her laugh. My life is here. I’m not going anywhere.
Carol: Me neither!
Barbara: Uh, Carol, you’re married, remember?
Carol: Shuttup!
Barbara: Daddy, you’re serious? You’re not gonna go to Vermont?
Harry: Can’t. No, I’m staying home!
Charley rushes in from the kitchen and grabs Harry.
Charley: Oh Harry, I knew you wouldn’t leave me!
Harry: Charley, you I could leave!
Barbara: You mean I came all this way to pack my stuff and you’re not going anywhere?
Harry: I’m sorry.
Barbara: I’m not!
All four join in a group hug.
Weston kitchen. The kitchen is empty, except for the stacks of boxes. Harry is sitting alone at the table drinking a glass of milk. Dreyfuss enters from upstairs and sits down next to Harry with his head resting on the table.
Harry: What’s the matter, Kiddo? You couldn’t sleep either? Of
course not, you sleep all day long. Well, Dreyfie, it looks like it’s just you
and me again. Now that everybody’s gone we have the whole house to ourselves.
Plus there’s an extra spot in the garage. Hey Dreyf, you want a car? Come on,
what do you want to eat?He starts to stand and hears the sound of the creaky floorboard in the living room.
Harry: Did you hear that?
He goes into the dark living room and turns on the light but no one is there.
Harry: Strange.
He continues to walk across the room and steps on the creaky board himself.
Harry: Alright Libby now that I’m staying I promise you, I will fix this. Maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow...
Libby: Maybe not the next day.
Harry turns around startled and sees Libby sitting on the sofa.
Libby: Hi Honey, I’m home!
Harry: Okay Harry, let’s go upstairs now! We’ll wake up! Let’s go!
Libby: Harry, you’re not dreaming.
Harry: Then what is...
Libby: Don’t make me explain it Honey, just sit down.
Harry: Libby, you look great.
Libby: I get a lot of sun. You look like you’ve been taking care of yourself.
Harry: Well I exercise, try to watch what I eat...what am I doing? I’m talking to Libby here!?
Libby: Harry, you’re thinking too much. You always do that. You and Carol!
Harry: What do you mean, me and Carol? Me and Emily maybe, me and Barbara, but me and Carol?
Libby: Harry face it, Carol is definitely your girl.
Harry: Don’t start. Don’t start, Libby. You spoiled her.
Libby: I spoiled her? You bought her everything she ever whined for! Harry, how many times have we had this conversation?
Harry: I wish
we could have it a million more.Libby: Be patient, we will. Now Harry, what is the matter with you? Vermont looks perfect for you.
Harry: You know about Vermont?
Libby: I know about the baseball strike. Honey, now why don’t you go?
Harry: I can’t leave. It’d be like leaving you.
Libby: I’m a memory. I’m not a part of this house, Harry. I’m in your heart.
Harry: We lived our life, we raised our kids here.
Libby: And you’ll always have that. Honey, it’s time to move on. I did! Oh believe me, Harry, life is short.
Harry: Just how short?
Libby: Nuh uh, that’s against the rules! That’s just like you, always wanting to peek into the gifts before it was Christmas.
Harry: Oh, so you’re saying that death is like Christmas?
Libby: More like President’s Day. When you go you get to meet them.
Harry: God, I miss you!
Libby: Then take me to Vermont.
Dreyfuss enters from the kitchen and comes over to Libby, who begins petting him as Harry watches.
Libby: Hey there! There’s my big guy! Thanks for looking after Harry. You’re doing a great job.
Libby disappears. Dreyfuss climbs onto the couch and Harry hugs him.
The Weston living room. Harry, Barbara, Carol, Charley, Maxine, Sophia, and Dreyfuss are gathered around the couch. Laverne is setting the timer on a camera.
Laverne: Alright y’all let’s get it right this time. We are all happy the
doctor’s leaving! You know, I mean for him! So smile!She runs to take her place in the photograph.
Laverne: Say cheese, y’all!
Everyone: Cheese y’all!
The picture snaps and is shown as a page in a photo album as the gang continues to talk...
Maxine: Are we done yet? Tired of looking happy, it’s not natural.
Charley: If we’re taking more pictures I’m grabbing another beer.
Harry: No! This is absolutely the last picture. I would like to make it to Vermont before the end of the century.
Sophia: I would like to make it to the end of the century.
The photo album closes, showing the cover which reads Empty Nest Memories.
During the closing credits, Dreyfuss is shown standing on the set in the kitchen as the director wraps the show...
Director: Okay Buddy, that’s a wrap!
Dreyfuss: Excuse me! Excuse me! Hey wardrobe, can somebody get me outta this damn suit? Alright forget about it, I’m outta here!
He walks away, passing Richard Mulligan.
Richard: See you around, Stanley.
Dreyfuss: Yeah, take it easy, Rich.
Richard waves and walks away.